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Psychointegration: 25/Jan/2008
By Jorge Raul Olguín

There are people who manipulate, there are people who are victims of manipulation from others, some people are prey to pride, there are people who measure all the things with the same stick, and sometimes when we feel that we are hurt we say:

- I'm not going to stoop down because I have my pride. I don’t have to call to the other person if I suffered the damage. I don’t have to stoop down.

We will analyze the phrase stoop down. It is understood from the ego because the ego is the one that stoops down, the one that manipulates is the ego, and the one that is manipulated is the ego. At the same time, on several occasions, I spoke about the issue related to dignity. A phrase that represents dignity as aphorism says: Do not let others do to you what you would not do to them. This means that when one has dignity he/she has to learn to say ‘no’ even at the risk to allegedly lose certain situations in life that actually had already been lost. Most of the people take the phrase stoop down as a synonymous of humiliation.

-Oh, no! She hung up the phone and I don’t have to call her back. Because if I call her, it would be like stooping down myself.

Then, in this context stooping down is synonymous of humiliation. Looking at this situation from afar I take it as a reaction of the ego. I take it as an egotistical reaction.

-She has to call me! I'm not going to call her again. She has to come back to me. I have no reason to go and attend her call. She must come to me!

I mean, I'm acting in a self-centered way. Everything turns around me. If I go to the place of the other person, not everything turns around me anymore. Then, I lose my self-centered power. Then, my ego has to be strong and it gives the excuse that if I go to the other person and submit myself to the whims of the other person, I'm stooping down. Even so, I'm humiliated. That's one way to see it from the ego. Now let's look at it from the other side. Let's look at it from a different angle. Let's look at it from the point of view of dignity, which is very important to me, which is the only valid thing for me, dignity has nothing to do with the ego. Dignity means that we have to have self-esteem and then transmit it to the others. Dignity means that we have to respect ourselves and then respect others. Dignity means that we accept ourselves and then we can accept others and in turn they accept us. Dignity means to keep in mind ourselves. If we keep in mind ourselves we can consider others or that they take into account to us. That's dignity. Dignity does not allow us to be dominated! Do not allow that others do to you what you wouldn’t do to them. However, dignity has nothing to do with stooping down. In the end, if I had an argument with someone I will not lose anything except some role of ego, if I come closer. Obviously I will be closer as long as the other person is not hostile to me. If I had an exchange of words with the other person, or a debate became an argument due to my clumsiness or awkwardness and there was a separation, it is important to fraternize. So, I will find the means, I will find a way to try to get closer. But if I still see that the other person is hostile towards me, obviously my dignity, not my ego, my dignity will tell me :

- Well, yes I’m not welcome I’ll take distance for the moment. I will evaluate the right time to get closer, but I 'm not going to make it a matter of life or death, or a situation where they have hurt me. It was a situation. Nothing more. - The ego sees it differently.

- Do you think so? I try to approach the other person, but instead of thanking me she treats me badly. Oh, no! I’ll turn back and leave.

Let’s see if you understand this position. The person is not talking there. The ego is talking because everything revolves around the person.

- I get closer and she treats me bad. Oh no! She’s still hurting me! This cannot be! I am being humiliated!

Everything is me and me. Dignity does not act in that way because Dignity does not think of one as a victim, as the ego thinks. The ego seeks retribution. The ego wants that the other person offers an apology. Dignity simply says ‘no’ when it has to say ‘no’. However Dignity doesn’t bother to bow down the head when needed. Dignity will not drop the crown because it has no crown. Dignity is not a queen. Dignity is humble. If the other party is still hostile after an argument. Well the worthy person will regret it, but not by himself. He will regret over the situation. But he will not feel offended, and he will not demand retribution nor will say:

-Oh! From now on I will not communicate with her unless she calls me.

No, no, no. Dignity is not childish. Dignity is mature. The ego is childish. - What does this mean? – Many people will ask–:

- How will I be worthy in the case of being a female? Do I have to give the first step? - Not always, because sometimes it’s not necessary to get closer to realize that the other person is still hostile. Sometimes one feels hostility by not giving a call, a silence from the other side, lack of acknowledgment, not giving an answer, etc. There are many ways to feel that the other person is still hostile. Then, if one does not get closer is not because of the ego, or pride, or vanity, or thinking:

-Oh, no, no! The other person has to approach me first because I'm more valuable! No one is better than the other! At best we are more valuable when we serve others more. But we are valuable in terms of the others, not by ourselves. A person who thinks that he/she is valuable by himself/herself is absolutely wrong. We are valuable in terms of what we are and we are depending on what we do. Therefore we are worthy in terms of what we do. It's that simple. Vanity does not conquer. Humility conquers. And one can be worthy and humble at once. The ego is the one that is not humble.

Then, back from the beginning, when we have the feeling that there is hostility from the other person and we say:

- Oh, no! I will not stoop down! We are thinking from the ego. We are not thinking from dignity. Surely if we are worthy and we perceive hostility, we won’t get closer. But we are not going to say that pedantic phrase. It is a concealed pedantry, but nonetheless it’s pedantic. We will say instead:

- I will keep my distance to avoid further conflict, maybe it’s not the time, or the other person is not ready or maybe I’m not ready – it sounds much humbler to say that. The other person is not ready for the approach and I, as a person, am not ready for the approach. But I'll never say:

-Ah! I’m going to be humiliated! - Because in that way I'm saying basically that: - I’m at the same level of other - then, we unconsciously are saying that the other is lower than us, as if the other were smaller and worthless than us. So if we get closer we stoop down.
Because if we knew deep inside that the other person is as much valuable as we are, we won’t say that if I communicate I will be humiliated.

People don’t think that because they see only the outer layer. They don’t see the inner layer of the onion. We can be worthy and we can be humble. Being worthy does not guarantee a result. Being worthy does not guarantee an approach, but it makes us better people. It makes us act honestly. It doesn’t mean that we solve the conflict with the other person. No. But at least if we get an approach it will be a genuine approach. Not an approach from the appearance, not an approach from superficiality, but an approach from the inside. Then, if I have a conflict with someone, I'll say:

- I'll try to get closer because I really have a feeling for this person. What I don’t know is if the conditions are given. I'll find out. - If I see that the conditions are not given, I won’t get closer yet. But I won’t say that grotesque sentence:

- No, if I contact her I’m going to end up stooping down myself.

Because nothing will fall apart from us, we don’t have crowns. We are not kings at all. We are masters of ourselves and our own attitudes, but being masters of our own attitudes we will transform them in Service towards others and that is the only real reason to achieve Love from others towards us. For the Love we have for others has to come from within. Simply, without speculations. Getting closer to other people does not mean to be humiliated. On the contrary I think that it’s the opposite, it exalts us. It lifts us. Then, we have to learn to say:

- I'll try to get closer to the other person because if I approach I will be elevated. - And banish forever the phrase:

-Oh, no! I won’t approach her because I will stoop down to her level.

The only things that stoop us down are the petty attitudes. Now, if we perceive that the other person has petty attitudes. we need to point this out. If that person does not listen to us and pay no attention to us, we cannot do anything because we have to respect the free will of the other person. However, as my heart always says we cannot raise the other if we are lying on the ground. We must get on our feet, stand up, get stronger, and then we can lend a helping hand and reach others. And reaching out a helping hand to others is not humiliating. It's worthy of praise. Thank you.

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