LOVE IN A COUPLE  

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LOVE IN A COUPLE

Psychointegration Session: 14/04/2009
By Jorge Raul Olguín.

I said one time that Love was like a table, which has four legs, they were:

- Respect
- Dialogue
- Desire
- Admiration

And if any of these components were missing, that love could fall apart just like a table which has one leg missing. The reactive mind is an instrument that can blow up, not only the legs of the table, but the whole table itself and there must be a lot of will, tenacity, perseverance, tolerance to cope with a situation where both partners, to a greater or lesser extent, have reactive mind. We know that the reactive mind is part of the human being and we know that one of the fruits we are going to approach now is the ego, it does not matter if during this session I call it as ego, as a reactive mind, I want to express myself naturally or at least I will try.

In the history of a couple there are many events, there are couples who know each other being young and they have to deal with the parents of the other partner, who are generally absorbing, and the roles of the ego clash, perhaps on behalf of the female partner with the mother of the young man and there are also other types of couples: couples who have had affective failures and remake their lives with another person from their past, and there may be another type of jealousy, no longer with parents, but with their children.

When they are small children, dealing with the other party to know if he accepts them, if he cares about them, if he’ll really get along with them, he will respect them if they are female daughters, if they are eldest sons or daughters jealousy will appear, because maybe those eldest sons or daughters absorb the father or the mother and the other party will feel displaced, and we know that jealousy is part of the ego, therefore, they are part of the reactive mind and then the manipulations will come: manipulations through roles of victim, manipulations through inquisitive roles of ego.

It is a very difficult subject that many psychologists, not all of them, but many psychologists will give you a cliché solution, which means a studied solution learnt by heart so that a case A has the answer 1, the case B has the answer 2, the case C has the answer 3 and so on. And I think it's not like that, I think that we are human beings and there are not two similar cases, I don’t say thousands, I’d say millions of different cases, then putting a cliché, a pre-established answer for something similar is like those children who study a lesson by heart and soon they do not remember it.

I have said on several occasions that psychointegration goes a step beyond transpersonal psychology, it derives from it, in reality it has taken some things from transpersonal psychology, but it is not exactly the same because what it seeks is to make the person reflect and sometimes in a couple relationship there are very strong arguments, I have already said several times, in an investigation that took months, that the reactive mind tells the truth, when I speak about the reactive mind I speak about the reactive mind detected and discovered by me, in 1997, which is the impulsive reactive mind, which I developed and went deeper into it, unlike the automatic reactive mind, which was already known more than half a century ago.

The impulsive reactive mind has its traps, but it tells the truth, and the truth sometimes hurts the other person, even having those roles of ego under control, because we know that roles of ego are offended, the roles of ego are susceptible, the roles of ego are triggered in anger, the roles of ego prejudge, but even having controlled the roles of ego in its various facets, when the person who seeks to hurt us is a person we love, it is like "he/she has more power over us" because it is very rare that we can be hurt by stranger or an unknown person. Those who will have the power to hurt us will always be the closest to our affections, because we have them into account and do not confuse taking into account with seeking approval.

Seeking the approval from others is ego, taking into account is affection, we know that personal love drinks from sentiments and emotions, contrary to impersonal love that drinks from feelings only, and is pure feeling. Being a pure feeling does not need, does not manipulate, does not feel jealous, it’s not after something... impersonal Love provides service, it’s useful. Personal love, which is nurtured by 50% feelings and 50%  emotions, it’s a more earthly love, because the fact that it’s nurtured by emotions means that it can sometimes get out of control, and then tries to control the other, it tries to… maybe it is a very offensive example, but hey, I’ll try to illustrate it, it is like trying to control the other as if the other were a horse:

- Go to the left, go to the right, stop, and move.

And the reins are conceptual reins, mental reins if you want, manipulation is a rein, the roles of victim are other reins, insults seek to hurt and it’s not like the person feels better, because once that reactive mind is calmed and gives space to the analytical mind, the person feels terrible, but he/she does not feel terrible because the analytical mind makes him/her feel terrible, it is another set of roles, like those suppressive roles that say:

-Have you seen what you've done? Have you seen the hostile act you've committed?

It is always the reactive mind, the analytical mind is a cunning mind, it is a mind that controls the roles of ego, precisely the reactive mind seeks to control the other, Do you understand the difference? The analytical mind has control over the emotions, it makes the person always neutral or in a pleasant state, not pretending, because that would be also a role of ego, like those people who pretend to be what they are not, also, it is very exhausting to stay pretending, the person who is not natural, but pretends to be natural, ends up worn-out because one cannot live off appearances.

A very old anecdote says: a person had in the cupboard a crystal glass that kept it like a treasure, although I say that we should not be attached to something material, if we are fond of somebody we love because it is good, we are not indifferent to love affections, we may like a book, a movie, but not to be attached to the extreme of embracing ourselves as if it were a canteen with fresh water in the desert. But well, let's go back to the crystal glass if eventually, in a clumsy move, a friend that came to visit us, knocks it down and breaks it, and with a special glue he tries to repair the glass and the cracks are still visible in the glass, then, you have to think that in the same way, when a person "out of his mind" as for his scale tone, with aggressiveness, insult us and tries to hurt the other person, he does not realize that he is breaking the glass and there is no apology (glue) to fix that, surely time will heal the wounds, but the memory remains, the memory will remain, and there are people who are crueler, than even in a couple's argument, they do not insult in the way:

- "You're clumsy, a good-for-nothing"
But they remember a better past...

- "That person used to do this to me... that person was not conflictive"

And they are already making a comparison between both relationships, which goes to the detriment of the present partner, this is already humiliating, there is a total lack of respect from one part to the other, and... remembering past scenes with other people is disrespectful, even more when it’s done on purpose, just to hurt the other person, to show him who you are. And you are really showing him who you are! You are an insensitive person, you are a person who has no respect for others, you are a person who seeks to hurt because you do not have arguments to debate, you are a person who gets out of control and screams because in other way you lose the debate, because the person who gets mad, is usually the person who is not right. If you are right, you argue, and if the other person does not agree, it’s okay... You respect his free will; he is going to crash against the wall in the end.

Anyways, the love in a couple is not a competition, to see who is right or wrong, the love in a couple is something else, the love in a couple means living together, it is respect, it means that when they have a problem, they put it on the table, as if it were a set of cards, they talk about that problem, they can agree or disagree, but at least each one of them is exposing a point of view, but they don’t hold it back as if it were a trash bin, because then we can explode and treat badly each other, insulting each other, losing control, disrespecting each other.

Personal love does drinks from the ego, but there is a balanced personal love, even having 50% of emotion, which can be perfectly guided to the river of harmony and one of the ways is to take into account the other partner, if nobody likes to suffer, we don’t have to make them suffer, love does not mean pity, yes?

If someone lives with a person because he feels pity to leave her, but his love has disappeared – I’m talking about his love while in a relationship, right? - My recommendation would be that they don’t continue with that relationship because every day that passes by, every week, every month that passes by, the damage will be greater, but as long as there is love between the two parties, that love has to be fed, things have to be spoken about, things must to be said, nothing can be taken for granted, NOTHING, has to be taken for granted, everything has to be talked about, sex has to be talked about, he does not know what you want, you have to tell him, she does not know what you like, you have to tell her.

And sex is made by two, it’s not what you like and dislike the other party, it’s what both of them enjoy, there are things that can be learned by mutual agreement, there are things that one can learn from the other in different circumstances. But it doesn’t mean to hurt each other, hurting is not part of love, hurting has to do with the reactive mind and the reactive mind is like cold water to the fire of love.

Do not let that the reactive mind takes control, do not throw things at each other, talk about these issues, explain them in a good tone, in a good way, do not be afraid to say things either, but in a good way, face to face, it is not about being permissive, it is about being worthy, worthy to oneself and to the other; and then, the love may find its way.

On this physical world, personal love - and this is the subject of debate, I’m open to any debate - is stronger than impersonal love, although many people “will cry to the sky” saying: - "What is this person saying?" Impersonal Love comes from God there is nothing more elevated, I agree with that, there is nothing more elevated than impersonal Love, I did not say elevated, I said that personal love is stronger on the physical plane and I insist on this matter, I can give hundreds of examples, but so that you find peace of mind, personal love is not something negative, it is something beautiful, to feel it, to make it, and to practice it. Thank you.

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